The Bible states, “As a man thinks in his heart, so he is.” Ever since I was old enough to hold a pencil or pen, I became an author. I was always writing on everything I could get my hands on, including my mattresses. My parents would freak out when they would find it was covered in my scribbles. I always wanted to dance and to ice skate as well. History, well, I remember walking miles to the nearest library when I was like 10 years old and only checking out books on George Washington. But not just any books. They had to have that great big sticker, “Pulitzer Prize” winner on them. But a filmmaker? I never thought of myself of being in the film industry. I just wanted to dance, and skate and then dance and skate somenmore. Being a filmmaker was probably close to being the last thing I wanted to do with my life. I never went to school for it. I only know what I know from my own research, classes and workshops I take now. But, it wasn’t a college dream of mine. It is my understanding that most filmmakers start small and not try to tackle something so huge as my Summer Ray project. Thankfully, this is not my project. It is God’s. I am just a willing vessel He is working through to get HIS message out there. But, I had to learn to stop seeing myself as I see myself. I am not really qualified to be a filmmaker. Yet, in who’s eyes? In mans or in God’s? If God has qualified me than I am qualified. He is the one who is working out His plan. But, I still had to put the blood, sweat and tears into learning the trade.
The barriers to the funding have not been a few. But, lets face it. God is able to bring me $3,000,000 in an instant. Jesus paid His taxes via a fish courier service. It was brought right to the shoreline. He brought water from a rock. This is God we are talking about. So, the issue with the funding is not a God problem. It has been a Juliana problem of not seeing myself the way He sees me. Think of it this way. If I went to school to become a doctor and at the time of graduation where I am actually a real doctor, but would anyone want me to treat them if I continued to say, “No! I am not a real doctor. I am not qualified to be so.” All those years of study would be wasted. It is also ridiculous to not use what I have worked so hard for and actually earned.
The Bible also states, “A double minded man is unstable in all his ways. Let not that man think he shall receive anything from the Lord.” God says that being “double minded,” is like being “a wave,” we are tossed back and forth. Waves come in and then they go back out. It has been a constant repetition since they were created. I have never, until now, been fully accepting to the fact that I am, a filmmaker. I still have to convince myself of it everyday. Soon, it will be a real fact out in the world. Why would God give me the $3,000,000 to fund the film, if I wasn’t stable enough to accept it? I am working on getting this part of me stable. I am creating affirmations to put on my wall. I am taking more workshops and studying how people in Hollywood got there. I am looking at so many resources to help me understand that I am a filmmaker. I don’t have to compare my film to anyone. I don’t have to compare my pitch to anyone. I just have to do me and be true to myself and trust that God IS with me.
It is very exciting to have crossed over the bridge of self doubt and to break the barriers that have been in front of me. The funding will come, I have no doubt. I am just excited that I found out the delay was due to my own issues. Which I am working steadily on fixing. God is good!