With 2/3’s of the summer of 2017 already over, I can say without a dought, this has been the absolute worst summer of my entire life. I was down to my last tear drop…literally. I felt like I was being beaten up on every side; losing all I have worked so hard for; and not ever knowing how I was going to survive, or keep living for that matter. This summer has been hell. My life at the age of 54, felt meaningless or that I didn’t accomplish what I set out to accomplish.
Never worry about the devil. He will kick you when you are down; add insult to injury and beat you with your own stick. Especially if you are trying to win souls for Jesus. Oh hell no…never worry about the devil. He will make sure your life becomes just that – a living hell. He will do his utmost to stop you; pull the plug; get you to quit and throw in the towel. You will hurt in ways you never knew you could. You will feel like you have crossed three deserts and can barely walk or move, let alone think. You will literally cry your eyes out to the point you have no tears left, except that one – the last one. At times, it seems to be the only tear that God hears or ever sees. But somehow He does. It’s like the countdown to when Satan killed the Lord. Well, he thought he killed him. But Jesus gave his life. But nonetheless he still died. The devil threw a party and rejoiced that he had finally conquered the Kings of Kings. Then that sound…10…9…8 and all hell began to tremble. 7…6..5…OMG what is happening? 4…3…2…I am telling you right here and right now, this is where we are at! 1 is about to happen. Things may have died in our project. But I am here to tell you, we are being resurrected. The Bible says, “Unless a grain of wheat falls to the earth and dies, it remains alone. But if it dies, it bears much fruit.” I am not God. I do not understand why things have to die, in order for them to live. But, we are at countdown #1 my friends and our film is about to be launched into greatness. Victory is ours. No devil in hell or on this great planet earth can stop what God started. I was at my last teardrop and my God heard me.
For me, trying to get film funding was like removing the walls of Jericho. It simply could not be done without God’s help. It is an impossible task, one I cannot obtain on my own. But I did not come this far just to quit. I did not come this far, just to go this far. That would be like me standing in the middle of the Red Sea that Moses parted. People, hear me. If I just up and quit and stay in the middle of this sea, once those waters are no longer parted, my entire life’s work will die with it as I drown in a sea of sorrow. I cannot even fathom such a horror. What would happen to those people who are already drowning and need our films to help rescue them? What if our films, are the life preservers they are in such dire need of and I up and quit because I can’t make it to the other side myself? If God is with me and I know He is, there is absolutely no reason why I can’t make it when He is with me. “I can do all thing through Christ who strengthens me.”
As I took a walk in the Gettysburg National Cemetery, I was completely at my wits end. Like I stated earlier, this has been the worst summer of my entire life. It didn’t matter what I said, what I did or didn’t do, I was always coming out in the wrong. I am not saying I am perfect. But, when you have exhausted all your measures in trying to get something done and still you have had nothing to really show for it, it gets to you. Then to have other issues rise up, with those piled on top of an already broken heart, it is a wonder my heart is still beating. I have been ultimately crushed.
Yet, when my last tear drop fell – God was listening. I asked Him for the $3,000,000 dollars I needed to produce this first film. With the marketing and distribution, perhaps we will need more. But this first $3,000,000 is a start. I was agonizing over it for many years. A few days ago, I stood on the beach and watched the ocean and waves that only God could make. I sat on the sand and knew that He was the only one who could count the grains of sand – worldwide. I was like, “Look, God. If you can create all of this, surely You can come up with a measly $3,000,000. Which to You, is like 3 cents.” Miracles, are not miracles to God. He is God. He can do anything and nothing is impossible for Him – except lie. God cannot lie. Which means, He does what He says He will do, if we just hang on long enough.
Today, July 30, 2017, I was feeling particually lost. I didn’t know if I was supposed to move forward with the film. I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to put the books up on a shelf and hang up my pen and paper. Normally, my walks last at least an hour. But today, I could only walk as far as a bench at the National Cemetery. So in terms of location, it was only about a 5 minute walk. I was less than a 1/4 mile from home. But, my feet could not walk any further as the tears started to fall again. So, I sat down on a bench and just poured my heart out to God…again. I was completely shattered for many different reasons. But the biggest on my heart was the film. Knowing how so many people are broken, battered, bruised and have lost all sense of hope, meaning and purpose, I knew Summer Ray could help bring that lost message of hope back into their lives. Maybe they cannot afford a $25.00 book. But perhaps they can afford an $8.50 movie ticket, or someone can afford it for them. We can take Summer Ray into VA Hospitals, prisons and so forth. I am grieved over the suicide rate, especially in the military and I sit here with projects that I know can offer some kind of relief and I have not been able to proceed with them. This too, has crushed me.
This morning, I was barely able to pray. I was barely able to walk. I was barely able to have any sense of hope whatsover and with only one last tear left in my eyes to cry. But, I asked God, one more time, “Will You please give me this $3,000,000 for the film? We can also do the documentary at the same time.” Afterward, I felt nothing. So, I got up and headed for home. Which is not normal. I would have finished my hour walk. But, I just did not have it in me this morning to do so.
As I was walking home, to the right of me I looked down. I spotted a 4 -leaf clover. Which IS normal as I usually find 4 leaf clovers on my walk. But, to my astonishment, I found 3 4-leaf clovers right in the same spot. I picked them up and I didn’t quite get it until God spoke to me and said, “I will be eternally grateful for your work.” That is when I got it. I found 3, 4-leaf clovers and I asked God for 3…million dollars. So, yeah. I found some happy tears and well. I cannot put into words the gratitude I feel for a loving God who didn’t allow me to quit. He is proving the funding. I just have to be patient and thankful and do what He tells me to do.
We are moving forward…To God Be The Glory!
All my heartfelt love and appreciation,